Stream of Thoughts

Things I’ve been thinking about blogging … all wrapped in one post!

1. I watch this Korean drama every morning. I love having background noise while I’m getting ready for work, but then I started keeping up with one show. So, every morning I’m watching this show and every morning I get frustrated at these weak female characters.  There’s one in particular, the woman who plays the submissive and dutiful wife. Her husband reminds me of my father before he really changed. He yells. He screams. The worse of it all, he demands only because he knows he can. Every morning, I think about this and how much my own father has changed. It’s probably the one and only positive effect that my brother has had on our family while he’s going through his period of .. shit, I still don’t understand what the hell he’s going through. It makes me happy though, to see that I can always count on my dad openly now. Beforehand, it was always just and understood feeling of dependence. He would be so difficult to communicate with and we always feared him even though we knew he meant well. Now, it’s a completely different relationship and honestly, I respect him more for it. Love him even more for being the lovable husband to my hardworking mother. People can change. Anyway,  I think about this a lot. Weird.

2. I think I’m starting to love my job? I walk down the same halls, sit at the same desk, and teach the same lesson every week. What’s there to love? I bet you have no idea what it feels like to have kids scream that they love you, actually take their time to bow to you, or even get scared to say “Hello, Teacher!” and run away while giggling. Hahaha. It’s all so cute. It’s really a great feeling to know that your students actually take an interest in you. It really hit me when I called in sick last Wednesday and missed my busiest day of the week. I didn’t really think that it would have such a large impact as it did. I even ran into a couple of students outside my apartment and they kept asking me where I was, why I didn’t come to school, and insisting that I not come outside without a jacket. I got more questions when I came back to school. It’s just great to work in a place when you know that you’re needed and well, simply … wanted.

3. Waiting. There’s something that I”m really bad at and it’s being consistent. I can not, for the life of me, be consistent in how I feel about my personal life. Nothing makes me happy and I keep going around and around with trying to understand what I want and what I feel like I should do. I think pride has to do with a lot of it. It bothers me a lot. For once in my life, I don’t have a finishing goal. My life is open ended and yes, it’s great to know that I have the freedom to choose. At the same time, it scares the shit out of me. What to do and where to go. I think about it consistently. Wait, I guess there is one thing I’m consistent at  … it’s worrying. Well, FML! Haha.

4. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Not really with any specific stress, but I feel like I move in circles. I guess this relates to what I just wrote about in #3 of this post. I feel like I just keep moving around and don’t really stay in one spot. I hate that I can’t be happy by myself. That’s another flaw that I see in myself and that I think I try to cover up with alcohol and by spending money. I always want to be with someone else or be doing something and sometimes, a couple of days later, I feel so unsatisfied. One of my goals of being so far from home and everything that I was accustomed to was to learn to live, depend, and be happy with myself. I’m still figuring it out. Sometimes though, I feel like I’m too hard on myself. Perhaps I’m just a naturally social person, but I really want to push myself to not have my moods heavily influenced by who I’m with and what type of activities I have lined up for the week. It’s getting a little ridiculous.

Anyway, that’s my long ass stream of thoughts today. Haha. Here’s a song that I keep on replay.



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